Lousie Hay and the Stubborn Mule

I think it is time for me to say 'Golden Retriever!' loudly and emphatically. I have taken a hiatus from all things Spiritual. Don't bog me down with details, Spirit is in everything, yada yada.  I don't care. I am tired of being hammered on the anvil of God. A friend of mine relates a story about this wise guru who came to the West to inspire the masses with his enlightenment. What we want to receive from these great masters are offerings of roses, not galvanized buckets of hurl.  But that day, from that guru, only hurl was on the menu. This is what he told his audience: When you begin a spiritual path God will hammer you on His anvil until you are pure gold. Yes, the alchemy of it all. The Dark Night of the Soul, the personal transformation process.  Ram Das, who at least strews his hurl with rose petals, calls the spiritual path a "long slippery pole." And if I remember right, he advises in Be Here Now, if you haven't started, don't.

It's too late for me not to start, but I am swimming upstream against all common wisdom that says you can't turn back. Hell I can't. I am putting the genie back in the bottle.  Which brings me to Louise Hay. Ever cheerful and inspirational, usually I love Louise Hay but not when I am being a Stubborn Mule.  Ah, the title of today's missive is clear.   Since I have been putting the genie back in the bottle I have developed persistent leg pain, from the hips down. Now I am a fairly in shape kinda gal. I have always had good health with the occasional bouts of dis-ease but nothing major. And this is not major, it is just in my face (and my ankles, calves, things, knees and hips).

Louise Hay in her grand book You Can Heal Your Life has this to say:

Our LEGS carry us forward in life. Leg problems often indicate a fear of moving forward or a reluctance to move forward in a certain direction. We run with our legs, we drag our legs, we pussyfoot, we are knock-kneed, pigeon-toed; and we have big fat, angry thighs filled with childhood resentments. Not wanting to do things will often produce minor leg problems. ...Are you going in the direction you want to? (166)

The same friend with the cheery guru story also told me that the Gods reward generosity and, given my generosity, she hope that I will be equally rewarded. The thing is, the Gods' idea of generosity doesn't always match up with what I really would like or want in my life. They give me what they think I need. Therefore, I am not particularly interested in being over generous in life. Here comes the whine. Since Dancing With the Gods began playing on my channel I have lost my mind in a some sort of reality snap, alienated a ton of friends, worried my family beyond reason, moved three times, and oh yeah, came out GAY resulting in a divorce and more condemnation from friends and family. Now, I'm a big girl. I've dealt with this stuff. I am personally responsible for my own shit, a.k.a. life, but I have to say I am not in the mood for being generous. Enough. I am done "growing." I want to be just thankful and grateful enough that I can continue to draw breath, appreciate the friends I have left and enjoy an occasional Sunday dinner with my family. That's it.

All the other things, I am returning to the big Customer Service Desk in the sky. Thanks but these didn't quite fit....No, I don't want to exchange anything.  and uh, keep the cash, maybe just donate it to a charity. But please, amortized it over thirty years.

Google God

I've decided to become a Priestess in the Temple of the Google God.  I can think of nothing more omniscient than Google. Who do we turn to when we have a query? Need a phrase of affirmation or encouragement?  Google of course. And Google knows how to spell and all the antonyms and synonyms for every word in just about every language. Sounds like God to me. 

I look forward to sitting somewhere beautiful, eating bon-bons procured on line from some Googled inspired fair trade organic web site and wafting blessings on the multitude of seekers: "May the Google God bless you with wisdom, my child"  "May you find answers to your questions, dear one." I would be totally hooked up with the latest in wireless technology and float  through Trekkie holodecks of information. It would be like shopping at Sam's Club, only they would have what you want in a size you actually need. Perfect. And of course, there would be all the great accoutrements. I  could sell. "What would GG do?" bracelets and T-Shirts. So hip, so retro, so GG.

There are a few problems. What of the Google Goddess? Surely, if there is a God there must be a Goddess to bring sanity to the paradigm. After not much thought at all, I believe the sole energy capable of balancing the Google God is a Golden Retriever. Only a female Golden Retriever, with her sweet lovable personality fur wrapped around a solid core of bitch, is up to the task. She is trickster to GG's linear equation, a wet kiss in the midst of gdocking, and a soggy tennis ball in Wikepedia.  She is, in effect, a safe word in a world of informational role playing.  Done. Now I'm feeling lucky, how about you?

A Matter of Definition

Just a few disclaimers, here at the start. Something about names and naming and truth in advertising. This is not a blog about domestic bondage lesbian style,  per se. Though having someone cook and clean for me is a hugely appealing, I want to be clear that any Domimatrix Domesticata  scenarios, safe word or no, will not be unfolding here.  I will explore how identifying  as lesbian,  raising kids, running a home, and attempting, for the love of all that is holy and profane,  to shift my center from an external to an internal frame of reference does have a bondage /freedom dichotomy that pretty much runs my life.  I also want to disclaim a little about my blog tag:  Versa Girl.  First off, I am hardly a girl. Let me repeat that. Hardly.   Like long ago, distant memory. BUT  I liked the super heroine ring of Versa Girl, I like the word play with "verse",  I liked how phonetically familiar Versa Girl is with the "versatile." And if nothing else, that is what I am. Versatile.

I also have half a notion to combine this with The Artist Way work. I'm thinking about it. 

So I am looking at how have I written myself out of the equation of my life? How, in my fierce fierce independence, self sufficiency, and taking care of business head on approach to living, have I supplanted myself? Or rather,  how have I never realized the extent to which I have centered my life around ideals and belief systems rather than  my essential self?  We shall see, my dahlings. We shall see.